The Wedding Dress Mêlée & The Coitus Conundrum
by queenofthelooneybin
Summary: Penny and Amy go shopping for wedding dresses. Meanwhile, Leonard is very uncomfortable. Part of the Amyverse. Not Farah Fowler!


**The Wedding Dress Mêlée**

"The wedding isn't for months Penny. I haven't even moved into Sheldon's apartment yet. Why are we here?" Amy asked, yawning.

"Because this is the best wedding dress sale of the year and you're going to need a dress," Penny answered.

"But it's five in the morning!" Amy protested. "I didn't even get to say goodbye to Shell. We were gong to have sex this morning before he went to work."

"He'll understand," Penny said. Amy rolled her eyes. "Okay, maybe he won't. But this is the 50 percent off basement sale. Where else would you get such a deal on these amazing gowns?"

"You're right," Amy yawned again as the doors opened. "Let's move!" She was kidding, but Penny was not. The blond ran for the doors and was inside before Amy could blink.

"Okay, the racks are sorted by size. There are the size fours over there. We take one end each. Then we meet in the middle with our choices."

"You're serious, aren't you?" Amy looked slightly horrified.

"Yeah," Penny said. "Move it bitch!" she yelled at a woman in front of her. "This isn't your size!" Amy looked scared as she started sorting through the rack. "BACK OFF!" she yelled at another woman.

"Remind me to never piss you off," Amy called from her end of the rack. She grabbed two in a row and moved on and up. Penny was doing the same, except with more yelling. Ten minutes later, they had six gowns apiece and made their way to the fitting room.

"HEY!" Penny yelled into the packed rooms. "SIZE TWEVLE AND UP VERA WANG OVER THERE!" There was a small stampede as several larger women ran out to see the Vera Wang.

"That was slightly evil," Amy said as they squeezed into a fitting room.

"Hey, all is fair in love and war," Penny laughed. "So, is this familiar?"

"No," Amy said. "The last time, I had to sit through a dozen fittings. It was a custom made gown that I hated, but looked good. This is better. I'm laughing and not getting stabbed by an old Russian woman who might be a man. But of course, that's not the best part of this whole thing."

'What is?"

"Do you really need to ask?"

XXX

**The Coitus Conundrum **(Note: Takes place the same time as 'The Wedding Dress Mêlée)

"Sheldon, we have to talk," Leonard said as they drove to work.

"What is it?" Sheldon asked.

"I don't know how to phrase this…," Leonard furrowed his brows as he thought. "Please don't be so loud."

"Can you clarify that statement?"

"When you and Amy have sex, I can hear you. And I do not want to," Leonard explained.

"From my understanding, it is quite normal and often considered healthy to be vocal during coitus," Sheldon stated.

"While that may be true, I do not care for hearing you and Amy's moans of passion when I am trying to sleep. It isn't something I enjoy hearing."

"It's nice to hear that you do not have any voyeuristic tendencies," Sheldon said. "I will try and keep quiet."

"Thank you."

"I can not say the same for Amy though."

That afternoon, Sheldon and Leonard came home to Penny and Amy in their apartment. Both women sat on the couch, Penny with a bag of frozen peas on her face and Amy pressing what appeared to be an ice pack against her lip.

"What the hell happened?" Leonard asked and rushed to Penny's side.

"We went to the wedding dress basement sale downtown and damn those lonely chicks are mean," Penny said. "Some crazy lady that weighed more than me and Amy put together hit me when I told a little fib about plus size Vera Wang dresses and Amy got slammed into a wall by a lady covered in cat hair." Amy took the ice pack away to reveal her slightly bloody and swollen lower lip.

"Crazy women everywhere," Amy muttered, her speech a little garbled due to her lip. Sheldon sat next to her, in his spot. He put an arm around her and hugged her. "Ow."

"I will be able to tend to your wounds in my bedroom," Sheldon said and took Amy's free hand.

"We better go to your place," Leonard said in a slightly horrified tone.

"Why? You really want to have sex?" Penny asked.

"I just don't want to be here when they start to."

"Let's go!"

In his room, Sheldon shined a tiny light onto Amy's wound and stared at her with what she called his 'serious physicist face'. She was sitting on the bed while he knelt before her.

"You're going to be fine," he stated a few minutes later. "Of course, you won't be able to use your mouth for several hours or risk the wound bursting open."

"How sweet," Amy joked and stroked his face. "Now, what does the good doctor prescribe?"

"You do know that I can not legally prescribe anything." It took Sheldon a moment to realize the actual meaning behind Amy's words. "Oh."

A few minutes later, Raj and Howard walked into the unlocked apartment. It was Wii Bowling night and they had come in in full bowling gear and expecting to see their friends dressed in the same way as them. For a moment, they didn't see or hear anything. Then they heard some faint female gasping and moaning. It sounded garbled, like the fuzzy porn channel at Howard's house. It took a bit for them to realize what they were hearing.

"Oh my god," Howard said, his voice one of shock/horror.

"Let's get out of here," Raj's voice was the same.

"Oh god yes!"


End file.
